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Thought I'd bring this one out of the mothballs. Enjoy.

man plays glass🤣👍

Learning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the following memo:

To All Employees:

If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

Muslims around the world will observe the start of Ramadan today, marking the beginning of a month of fasting, reflection, and prayer for 1.8 billion people. What do you think?
Ramadan Begins

All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Man Reaches First Of Dozens Of Breaking Points To Come

Stuck inside with nothing to do? Are your days passing by unremarkably, each feeling more uniform than the one that came before? Give yourself a breather and check out some viewing suggestions to make these trying times a bit more tolerable. Here, The Onion offers recommendations on what to watch while you’re self-isolating during the coronavirus pandemic.
What To Watch While Social Distancing

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun.
Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun

Sales of the Nintendo Switch more than doubled while PlayStation 4 and Xbox One sales were up 25% compared to last year, highlighting how Americans are turning to video games for entertainment during the pandemic. What do you think?
Sales Of Video Game Consoles Up During Pandemic

ANN ARBOR, MI—Contemplating her personal growth as she worked through what she described as a profound, transformative experience, local baby Emma Gibson confirmed Thursday that she had emerged from a game of peekaboo a wiser and more reflective individual.
Baby Emerges From Game Of Peekaboo Wiser, More Reflective

All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Wincing, Screaming Mom Feels Searing Pain In Head Every Time Daughter Across Country Wears Sock With Hole In It

CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks, area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not, at that very moment, desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death.
Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death

NASHVILLE, TN—In a long-awaited culmination of the bold strategic move made several seasons ago, the Racine Legion will be selecting second overall in the NFL draft Thursday using a pick the team acquired in 1923.
Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923

BOCA RATON, FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years, 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him.
89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him


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