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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Tips For Cutting Your Own Hair

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Oil Paintings Plunge Into Negative Pricing As Market Overrun With Surplus Of Still Lifes

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
5 Things To Know About The Oil Market Plummeting

TAMPA, FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super Bowl contender, former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for Tom Brady as well.
Rob Gronkowski Hoping Bucs Trade For Tom Brady Too

All the latest sports coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Gronkowski Breaks 6 Tackles On Way Out Of Neurology Clinic To Finalize Trade With Tampa Bay

NEW HAVEN, CT—Admitting that a highly contagious, deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity, local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive.
Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive

German officials announced that Oktoberfest, the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall, has been canceled due to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival’s densely packed beer tents. What do you think?
Germany Cancels Oktoberfest Due To Coronavirus Fears




Don't try this at home, unless you rent....

FORT HOOD, Texas — In a speech to his assembled battalion Tuesday, Sgt. Maj. Wade Thompson of the First Sustainment Brigade, First Cavalry Regiment, emphasized to his Soldiers that they must remain firm in the face of adversity.
“Hard times don’t last, hard men do” says visibly erect Sgt. Maj.


Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a small fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were ... ...

Read more





The Lyrid meteor shower, an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth’s atmosphere, will be especially vibrant this year as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker than normal. What do you think?
2020 Lyrid Meteor Shower Peaks This Week

Kansas: The state requires any resident hoping to smoke marijuana to drive over to Colorado.
Marijuana Laws By State

According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School, disruptions to normal life and increased levels of anxiety due to the coronavirus are causing Americans to experience more intense, memorable nightmares. What do you think?
More Americans Report Vivid, Violent Dreams During Pandemic

The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?
Tour De France Postponed Until August

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Land O’ Lakes Displaces Innocent Native American

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