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All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Trump Declares He’s Healthier Than Ever While Addressing Rally Crowd From Iron Lung
Humor • by raven13 • 4 views •  0 comments • 5 min ago

GAINESVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the life of the celebrated author, literary historians from the University of Florida announced Tuesday that they had discovered evidence that Ernest Hemingway’s father had bulk purchased 70,000 copies of The Sun Also Rises to get his son on the bestseller list.
Literary Historians Discover Hemingway’s Dad Bulk Purchased 70,000 Copies Of ‘The Sun Also Rises’ To Get Son On Bestseller List
Humor • by raven13 • 1 views •  0 comments • 7 min ago

The outgoing mayor continues to stand by the police’s routine kissing of New York citizens.
Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program
Humor • by raven13 • 2 views •  0 comments • 15 min ago

All the latest entertainment coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2019
Humor • by raven13 • 3 views •  0 comments • 6 hours ago

A pair of gay male penguins at a Dutch zoo stole an egg from a pair of heterosexual penguins, zoo officials said.
Gay penguin couple steals egg from hetero couple at Dutch zoo | Fox News
Humor • by Ajak • 3 views •  0 comments • 6 hours ago

The foreign nationals taking shelter in the Cape Town Methodist Church want people who were arrested in a sit-in similar to theirs at the UN High Commissioner for Refugees' premises in Pretoria, to be released to join them on their "mass exodus".
Cape Town refugees want Pretoria group freed to join 'mass exodus' | News24
Humor • by Ajak • 19 views •  0 comments • 6 hours ago

This updated list of popular urban legends, internet rumors, and hoaxes has Presidents, babysitters, and, of course, Richard Gere.
Top 24 Urban Legends
Humor • by Ajak • 8 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible.
Flu Outbreak Reduces Class Sizes To Level Appropriate For Learning
Humor • by raven13 • 6 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

AUGUSTA, ME—Expressing frustration with his roommate’s apparent lack of hygiene and off-putting habits, college freshman Kyle Hayes told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed about having to room with Isaac Feldman, a 47-year-old adjunct professor at the University of Maine.
College Freshman Annoyed About Having To Room With 47-Year-Old Adjunct Professor
Humor • by raven13 • 7 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene.
Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene
Humor • by raven13 • 6 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on what exactly transpired between the U.S. president and Ukraine during a mysterious April call, a transcript released Friday includes 37 pages of a confused Donald Trump mashing his fingers against his phone’s dial pad while President Volodymyr Zelensky tries to speak.
Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak
Humor • by raven13 • 6 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

MANCHESTER, NH—An appetizer of radish canapés with salmon mousse served at local French restaurant La Maison de Vin was torn a new a***ole this week, according to Concord Monitor food critic Bernard Haberle, who reviewed the establishment in his "Good Eating" column.
Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole
Humor • by raven13 • 3 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago


If you have to pee, we hope you’re okay with holding it for a bit, because it’s going to be a while before we figure out this restroom situation: The bathrooms at this trendy bar in Philadelphia, PA are designated by images of a whale and a bottle of glue.
How The Fuck Are We Supposed To Know What This Means? The Bathrooms At This Trendy Bar Are Designated By Images Of A Whale And A Bottle Of Glue
Humor • by raven13 • 209 views •  21 comments • 3 days ago

You can accomplish anything you set your mind to, provided you overcome these barriers first.
The Only 31 Things Standing Between You And Your Dreams
Humor • by raven13 • 4 views •  0 comments • 3 days ago

Organizers observed “decent numbers of votes from Russia” for the hoiho, an endangered, antisocial yellow-eyed penguin.
Russia Accused of Meddling in New Zealand Bird of the Year Vote - The Moscow Times
Humor • by Ajak • 7 views •  0 comments • 3 days ago

NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable f**king face.
NFL Rescinds Myles Garrett Suspension After Review Footage Clearly Shows Mason Rudolph’s Punchable Fucking Face
Humor • by raven13 • 8 views •  0 comments • 4 days ago

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return.
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back
Humor • by raven13 • 7 views •  0 comments • 4 days ago

All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Trump Admits He Assumed Roger Stone Was Already In Prison
Humor • by raven13 • 8 views •  0 comments • 4 days ago

WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry.
Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food
Humor • by raven13 • 7 views •  0 comments • 4 days ago

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