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All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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We’ve all heard the old adage that successful people start the day early, and I’m just kind of a random guy, but I also try to do that. If you’re looking to add to your morning routine, here are seven things I do every day before 9 a.m. Go ahead and give them a shot—just keep in mind that I’m not crazy successful or anything.
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2020 Super Bowl
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LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking, visibly tense computer hacker said that he just has to break through the encryption shield before he could upload the nano-virus, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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All the latest entertainment coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
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NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy, CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign.
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The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
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WASHINGTON—Justifying the expenditure as necessary to preserve the only bastion of democracy in the Middle East, both houses of Congress voted unanimously Thursday to extend $3 billion in emergency military aid to Benjamin Netanyahu to defend himself against the Israeli justice system.
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ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder.
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All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?
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OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses.
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WASHINGTON—Vowing that the ancestral shantytowns would endure, President Trump promised Wednesday that the United States would continue to recognize and preserve Palestinians’ historic refugee camps.
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The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
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If you love the Muppets, then you’re going to want to sit down, because some seriously heartbreaking news has just come to light: The Jim Henson Company has revealed that Jim Henson was only dead for 10 minutes before Kermit The Frog started eating him.
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Yup, these folks have earned themselves top spots on this man’s sh*t list.
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The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18, 2019, then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial, a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress, the legal world, and Trump’s orbit. The Onion provides a guide to the key players in Trump’s impeachment trial.
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