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ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return.
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back
Humor • by raven13 • 5 views •  0 comments • 3 hours ago

All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Trump Admits He Assumed Roger Stone Was Already In Prison
Humor • by raven13 • 5 views •  0 comments • 3 hours ago

WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry.
Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food
Humor • by raven13 • 4 views •  0 comments • 5 hours ago

NEW YORK—Marketing strategist Garrett Brooks, who reportedly cried himself to sleep Sunday while thinking about how much of his life he’s wasted and how he continues to contribute nothing of any value to society, has some great ideas for growing his company’s brand across multiple platforms, sources confirmed.
Man Who Cried Himself To Sleep Last Night Has Some Great Ideas For Growing Company's Brand
Humor • by raven13 • 2 views •  0 comments • 5 hours ago

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hazing the new guy," he said.

"You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet."
...
Read more
Humor • by oldshuntr • 37 views •  1 comments • 11 hours ago

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

"It's taped under the modem," I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right?

T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"
Humor • by oldshuntr • 19 views •  1 comments • 19 hours ago

Humor • by BoonEvil • 22 views •  0 comments • 21 hours ago


WASHINGTON—Dealt another setback in their attempt to find a 2020 prospect they deem suitably centrist, Democratic National Committee leaders buried their heads in their hands after a new moderate presidential recruit immediately walked into oncoming traffic, sources confirmed Thursday.
DNC Leaders Bury Heads In Hands After New Moderate Presidential Recruit Immediately Walks Into Oncoming Traffic
Humor • by raven13 • 10 views •  0 comments • 1 day ago

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the disgustingly suggestive entryway hardware, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly against a bathroom wall for hours Thursday following an encounter with a doorknob resembling the female breast.
Paralyzed Mike Pence Lies Against Bathroom Wall For Hours After Encountering Doorknob That Looks Like Female Breast
Humor • by raven13 • 46 views •  3 comments • 1 day ago

THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel. 
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
Humor • by raven13 • 3 views •  0 comments • 1 day ago

In an effort to curb illicit cultural appropriation during this Halloween season, the city of Des Moines, Iowa has banned the act of dressing up as anything but yourself. We all know that it’s horrifyingly evil to appropriate a culture that’s not your own, unless of course, you’re running for president as a Democrat.
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Cultural appropriation for Halloween forbidden unless you’re a Democratic presidential candidate – Genesius Times
Humor • by MarkRowley • 20 views •  1 comments • 1 day ago

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been making the case for reducing fossil fuels use and reducing one’s carbon footprint. But she recently said that she was, “Just kidding about all that Green New Deal stuff,” as she cranked her thermostat up to 72° during a record cold front that hit her DC apartment.
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AOC says she was ‘just kidding about that Green New Deal stuff’ as she cranks the heat up to 72° – Genesius Times
Humor • by MarkRowley • 29 views •  3 comments • 1 day ago

An Arctic air mass has affected more than 200 million people across the nation, plunging temperatures to historic lows, cancelling thousands of flights, and leaving many facing more than a foot of snow. What do you think?
Brutal Arctic Blast Sweeping Across Country
Humor • by raven13 • 17 views •  1 comments • 1 day ago

Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?"

Yellowstone guide:
"The glaciers brought them down."

Tourist (cluelessly):
"But where are the glaciers?"

Guide (wearily):
"The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks."
Humor • by oldshuntr • 5 views •  0 comments • 1 day ago

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. ...
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Humor • by oldshuntr • 27 views •  1 comments • 1 day ago

Pop Star Sam Smith evidently did not get enough attention coming out as gay earlier this year so they has upped their intersectionality by coming out as plural, insisting people refer to they as they/them. “Some days I've got my singular side and some days I've got my plural side, but it's when I'm in...
Singer Sam Smith have come out as plural – Genesius Times
Humor • by 1o1o1 • 6 views •  0 comments • 2 days ago

Unbelievable!!! Lake Erie Fishing Charters with Erie Adventures Charters
Humor • by PureVodka🍺 • 123 views •  7 comments • 2 days ago

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!
...
Read more
Humor • by oldshuntr • 38 views •  1 comments • 2 days ago

All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Stephen Miller Enraged After Discovering Cantaloupe He’s Fucking From Mexico
Humor • by raven13 • 13 views •  1 comments • 2 days ago

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