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ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return.
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All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry.
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NEW YORK—Marketing strategist Garrett Brooks, who reportedly cried himself to sleep Sunday while thinking about how much of his life he’s wasted and how he continues to contribute nothing of any value to society, has some great ideas for growing his company’s brand across multiple platforms, sources confirmed.
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Scrub the Toilet
posted by oldshuntr
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
"What are you doing?" I asked. "Hazing the new guy," he said. "You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet." ... Read more |
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Wi-Fi Password
posted by oldshuntr
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
"It's taped under the modem," I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?" |
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In Canada everything is just BIGGER
posted by BoonEvil
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WASHINGTON—Dealt another setback in their attempt to find a 2020 prospect they deem suitably centrist, Democratic National Committee leaders buried their heads in their hands after a new moderate presidential recruit immediately walked into oncoming traffic, sources confirmed Thursday.
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WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the disgustingly suggestive entryway hardware, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly against a bathroom wall for hours Thursday following an encounter with a doorknob resembling the female breast.
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THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel.
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In an effort to curb illicit cultural appropriation during this Halloween season, the city of Des Moines, Iowa has banned the act of dressing up as anything but yourself. We all know that it’s horrifyingly evil to appropriate a culture that’s not your own, unless of course, you’re running for president as a Democrat.
... Read more
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US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been making the case for reducing fossil fuels use and reducing one’s carbon footprint. But she recently said that she was, “Just kidding about all that Green New Deal stuff,” as she cranked her thermostat up to 72° during a record cold front that hit her DC apartment.
... Read more
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An Arctic air mass has affected more than 200 million people across the nation, plunging temperatures to historic lows, cancelling thousands of flights, and leaving many facing more than a foot of snow. What do you think?
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Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?"
Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down." Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?" Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks." |
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Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. ... Read more |
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Pop Star Sam Smith evidently did not get enough attention coming out as gay earlier this year so they has upped their intersectionality by coming out as plural, insisting people refer to they as they/them. “Some days I've got my singular side and some days I've got my plural side, but it's when I'm in...
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Unbelievable!!! Lake Erie Fishing Charters with Erie Adventures Charters
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Want Coffee
posted by oldshuntr
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place! ... Read more |
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All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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